Apple is cover for the DoJ/FTC/SEC not doing their fucking jobs

Think of the children! One of the last bastions of motherfucking coward politicians (but then I repeat myself) and their political lost causes made only more desperate by dragging out the ‘think of the terrorists,’ or the ultimate, ‘child porn’ trump-card arguments.

Department of Justice: iPhone encryption will lead to the death of a child

Because bad people use computers and phones, you should have no privacy on yours.  Well bad people use homes, bedrooms, bathrooms, so I guess you shouldn’t have any privacy there. You know. For the children.

These motherfuckers couldn’t protect our financial markets from blatant manipulation resulting in the largest fucking financial collapse in the history of the world. They didnt bother investigating, much less finding even one evil motherfucker that labeled toxic mortgage backed securities as AAA in any of the ratings agencies. And to show how much they are the bitch of wallstreet, the ratings agencies then had the balls to downgrade the US of A from AAA after the entire clusterfuck, all while the DoJ/FTC/SEC sat with their collective fingers up each other’s asses. And the cherry on top of this I-cant-fucking-believe-how-fucking-incompetent-they-are cake is these same assholes hired Bernie Madoff to teach them how to operate better.  It’s so fucking horrific, so profoundly the epitome of fucking government failure, that it sounds made up, but sadly isn’t.

So how do you deal with being such massive fuckups?  Kill yourselves in shame?  Hide from the angry masses of Americans with pitchforks (oh no, wait, lucky for the gov’t, the US public was taught their patriotic place was to be craven fucks that blindly listen to the government, and hey, that’s ok as long as they’re too fucking comfortable  in their SUVs watching reality shows not having the balls to stand up for themselves or give enough of a fuck to bother with that shit)? No, you go on the offensive against the most successful do-good American company.  First with a bullshit antitrust suit against eBooks that actually reduces competition and gives monopoly power to Amazon.

And now with the this bullshit about not wanting anybody to have any privacy, you know, for the children. Because…

“Guns don’t kill people. Dangerous people do.”
“Cars don’t kill people. Bad drivers do.”
“A child gets kidnapped? Totally Apple’s fault, not the kidnappers.”  -lexxkoto

And all the while they’ve willfully ignored, basically, confessions and directions to those manipulating the fuck out of the market and Apple. “Hello, SEC? Anybody watching this?” I suspect we’ll be investigated next for saving the jobs of a company mismanaged into bankruptcy, because one of our terms was to make the shithole plant run 100% renewable, and well, behavior like that will need to be investigated.

I wish the shitbags at the DoJ/FTC/SEC (but I repeat myself) all had the nerve to just admit they love sucking on big juicy delicious wallstreet cock, day and night.  And just admit they use the money we waste on these agencies to buy jars to store all the cum so they can stare at them dreamily in the hopes they can, one day, cycle out of the government and become shitbag lobbyists (and again, I repeat myself) or the wallstreet shitbags (I just cannot stop the repetition it seems) getting blown.

Hey, I have an idea.  We’ll stop protecting the muppets we call citizens of the United States of America’s privacy and those of our other users as soon as the government officials go first with this openness and lack of privacy, or, I know, let’s call it transparency, yea, that’s it. You know, it’s for the children, right?

I want every shitbag in these government agencies to do the following:  live stream their bathroom and bedroom activities 24/7, have their tax information made public, their income, bonuses, raises, performance reviews, amazon purchase lists (sex toys and all), credit card histories, video rentals, web surfing history, emails and instant messenger logs, medical records published (think how many children’s lives we can save if we monitor everyone’s health and can make predictive models, yea, that’s the ticket), physical measurements all throughout their lives, photos of their medicine cabinets, heck, all their photos and videos (including video of their colonoscopy), diary, etc…. and I want them to put it all up on pinterest and send it to the IRS, daily, so everyone can benefit from that social interaction, because, you know, think of the children, think how safe and secure we’ll all be, and besides, if you have nothing to hide… With them being public servants, they should be eager to be the first to go. As soon as they all do that, I’ll think about not protecting the privacy of our users.

Until then, the DoJ, FTC and SEC can all go and profoundly fuck themselves.



Lou and the 9 fat ass gobblers

Seems as if you’re not a fat fuck trying to wedge it up your ass, it’s pretty difficult to bend (video) the iPhone 6 plus, even when you try (video):

Many of the folks we approached had heard about #bendgate and accepted our invitation to try bending the iPhone 6 Plus.

“There’s no bend on this,” says Adam Levine, from Brighton, England.

“I can’t bend it,” said his wife Lisa, “Absolutely no bend.”

“I think maybe there’s a trick to it and we don’t know what it is,” said Steve Kehoe of Boise, Idaho.

Don Garrison, a tourist from Connecticut, tried a little harder, and ended up agreeing with Mandaro.

“You can bend it if you try hard enough,” he said. “It bends slightly if you put pressure on it. But nobody’s going to put that kind of pressure on it. It’s a narrow phone, designed to be narrow.”

Um, Lou, what did you do between 1:59 and 2:26, you fucking shit bag?

Notice the video shows the iPhone 6 Plus drastically bending at 1:40 minutes, and the time on the phone at that point displays 2:26 PM. The man in the video then proceeds to explain around 2:35 minutes into the video that he just finished bending the phone with his thumbs” Betters reports. “But there’s one problem with that version of events: The iPhone 6 Plus he supposedly ‘just’ bent displays the time 1:59 PM around 2:45 minutes into the video, roughly 27 minutes before the smartphone is shown succumbing to little pressure.

Despite replacing all 9 affected phones, it, of course, won’t stop these hitwhores from feigning concern to gauge if a fucking metal phone will bend more than a plastic phone.

So with 9 out of millions of phones being affected, you likely have a greater chance of getting  hit by lightening while convincing Kim Kardashian to not be a self promoting skank and the US public to exercise and eat right.

Shocking professional press investigation reveals that aluminum will bend

So here is a shock to anyone that has never crinkled a can of Coke. Apparently, aluminum will bend when you fucking apply a shit ton of pressure. The press’ next investigation will focus on humans’ shocking addiction to inhaling a nitrogen/oxygen chemical mixture called air.

And really? Really Lou and Squarespace? You’re doing this for the ‘community’ and ‘science,’ and not to whore yourself and your fucking hosting service (which actually is pretty good, but stop being such fucking whores)?   Anyway, Lou, when your hands are shaking, why not show your pants expanding from shitting yourself from the strain?

Are we to believe that your cock bore a hole through your pocket, and is dexterous enough to apply an amazing amount of dick pressure somehow cantilevered across your femur with your extremely mobile balls?  If that’s the case, (1) you’re one talented motherfucker Lou, and (2) I don’t think you represent a significant demographic unless there is some dick-and-mobile-testes-arm-wrestling world championship I missed on ESPN.

Is there any fucking reasonable scenario where that much hand shaking pressure is being applied in someones front pocket? And if you put that giant phone in your back pocket and sat on it, you’re a dumb fuck.

Can the press be anymore useless a collection of motherfuckers. I swear to god, they and people on social networks are so fucking empty in their existence, that anything that happens to Apple becomes their autistic obsession.

Fucking wars going on.  No need to report on that. All our politicians are inept fucking whores.  No need to bother with that. But holy jesus fucking christ, what a revelation, aluminum will bend when you apply a shit ton of fucking pressure—on and Apple phone—press corp jubilee!

Any positive news about Apple, lets fucking bury that. Like bitches, we just sold over 10 million fucking phones. And that doesn’t even include sales to China!  Shareholders and wall street should be lining up to collectively blow the Apple executive team.

Fuck that, not when we can be fascinated with the revelation that aluminum fucking bends. No point in actually taking a reasonable look at this when everyone can go full hitwhore and foment.

I mean it would have been so difficult for Lou to note that his ass turned inside/out from the shaking hand strain of bending the phone. No need to note that the phone kept working despite his tearing his sphincter wide open with strain! No reason for him to note that it seems like you have to put an awful lot of pressure on the phone to bend it. Nah, fuck that. That wouldn’t be the full on hitwhoring.

Or the rest of the press, they could apply some reasonableness in looking into this bullshit. Fuck no. They seem to have an exemption to fucking yelling “fire” in a movie theater as, apparently, that’s their fucking business model.

Yes, shocking newsflash: lots of phones will bend if you put too much pressure on them.

Ok, so lets put this to rest.  Remember our sage advice during antenna-gate: “stop fucking holding it wrong.”  Let me add some advice here: “stop stuffing the phone in tight pressure filled places.”

So if you’re sausage packed into skinny jeans, maybe, just maybe, shoving a gigantic aluminum phone that wants to wrap around your femur isn’t a good idea. You fucking morons.

No technology can protect the stupid from themselves

Here’s a thought.  If you’re a celebrity that really doesn’t want your chimichonga photos all over the internet, don’t make your password “12345.”

Here’s another pro tip: maybe you shouldn’t take, and if you do, don’t store your naked ass photos on network accessible devices.

Maybe, just maybe, if you’re a celebrity that can’t think of a password more secure than “Password123” or the publicly known name of your pet, and you’re too busy taking selfies of your snatch, you might consider toning down the moral outrage a notch.

People complaining about the free U2 album are ungrateful cunts

Aren’t you special flowers.  You’re the same kind of assholes that complain to the restaurant manager that you didn’t like the complementary amuse-bouche.

You’re so cool, OMG OMG, so cool you put down a very famous artist’s work. I mean, you’re not complaining to the world through social media because you’re fucking pathetic attention whores desperately trying to bring meaning to your empty lives by shitting all over everything. You’re so above that.

Anyway, that shit’s too mainstream. Nevermind that you’re using mainstream fucking iTunes.

I’ve hurt your tender feelings of individuality, and I know it put you out having to make like 3 or 4 clicks to delete some free content.

Here, let me make it up to you by dipping my balls in your tea while you take a look and see how many shits were given over your hurt feelings.


Anyone saying Apple copied Samsung/Google with a big screen phone is a fucking idiot

Samsung/Android users saying Apple ‘copied’ big screens with the iPhone 6 (and that it’s somehow proof that Android is more innovative), is like Milli Vanilli claiming that they’re more innovative than Lenny Kravitz because he copied their dreads.

How android apologists see the world


It’s all about Apple’s recipes.

The truth of development is plainly clear for anyone that lives in reality, unlike the Holocaust and moon-landing denying, birthers known as Android fans.  The iPhone was first. I love saying that over and over to Android fans so they froth and their brains explode. They like to counter with lunacy, saying all that stuff in the iPhone existed before the iPhone.  It’s a bit like telling the Wright brothers “wheels, engines, propellers, planks of wood, cables, all existed before the air plane…big deal, you just recombined existing stuff in the shape of a plane, and you just stole the arrangement from birds anyway.”

First, I’ll tell you what didn’t exist before the iPhone, the knockoff visual blight and tour-de-force of bad design known as an Android Phone.  Second, so what that lots of “stuff” existed before the iPhone.  Nothing like the iPhone, that was usable by normal people, existed.  The smartphones back then were the Blackberry (something only a soulless business person and IT wonk clutching for his job through obscure, arcane and outdated tech could love), Windows Mobile phones (approaching the same levels of success as Microsoft tablets, and equally loved), and Palm (who managed to ripoff enough of Apple’s throw away Newton technology to eek out an existence, but just couldn’t ever quite innovate their way out of a paper bag without their muse (i.e., Apple) showing them what end of their ass is up). Basically, before the iPhone, we had the Three Amigos of smartphones.

Smartphone 3 Amigos

The difference between the 3 amigos and the iPhone is so vast, we might as well call everything before 2007, B-team (before the iPhone) and everything after, A-team (after iPhone).

Anyway, it is true that many core technologies in the iPhone existed before the iPhone (e.g., touch screens, multitouch gestures, etc.). Apple innovated the iPhone by combining many many technologies in new ways that made them commercially palatable and successful.  Here’s a newslfash.  Edison didn’t make the first lightbulb. Nobody remembers or gives a shit who made the first miserable and non usable lightbulb. Edison made the first commercially successful lightbulbs (with a particular mix of tungsten that would make them effectively last indefinitely).  So while he wasn’t first, he was first to get the ‘recipe’ right and disrupted a bunch of industries and created a few new ones in.

Apple was the same with the Apple I/II (not the first personal computer), the Mac (not the first computer with a mouse or graphical user interface), the iPod (not the first MP3 player), the iTunes store (not the first online digital music store), the iPhone (not the first smartphone), the App store (not the first online store for applications), the iPad (not the first tablet), etc.  What Apple did was make the first commercially successful versions of those earth-changing technologies. Apple did this by making versions of those technologies that didn’t profoundly suck as their supposed forebearers.

Once Apple showed its recipe for commercial success, in each case, would-be ‘innovators’ who never could come up with the commercially successful recipe themselves—no doubt because they were busy listening to their idiot techno-leet zealot users that are certain they know better than everyone else in the world and resulted in awesome designs like the IPAQ—these wannabes then stood on Apple’s work and lifted it for themselves; thanks very much.

Hey, a special shout out to all my patent infringing bitches. Samsung waaszzzzzzzzzupppppp. Who could blame Samsung. Patent infringement only cost them a billion, and they earned profits well north of that. Why wouldn’t an economically rational company continuously steal others’ work with idiot judges and patent courts. Fuck you Judge Koh you stupid bitch.  Just how many fucking Apple patents does Samsung have to infringe before you pull your head out of your ass and slap them with an injunction. Ahh our wonderful court system at work.


Quid Pro Quo

But why would otherwise bright people become apologists for these low-level marginal industry functionaries?  Well, it’s a bit of quid pro quo.  See, everyone inside of these companies can’t really innovate because of whatever institutional dysfunction limits them, and so, they secretly pine and daydream and wish for a reality where they mattered.  So, they, much like children pretending to be their superheros, go get a sheet, dawn it as a cape, and make themselves a knockoff of the real thing.  They sell this knockoff for less. And they, somehow, straight-face, present it as some ‘revolution/innovation.’ In return for this knockoff piece of shit, the press, that gets paid to support the knockoffs with ads, shamelessly plays along.

Besides, what function would the tech press have if there were only one phone. They’d just be useless.  By propping up Android as something other than a dead Weekend-at-Bernie competitor, they’re no longer useless. Instead, they now have a function—hitwhoring.

Government Not Doing Its Job

Or for some very special ‘news outlets,’  they get to be wall street manipulated hitwhores that put out press to drive Apple stock down and click rates up.  Why?  Because if you run a fund you need to outperform the market, but that’s hard work.  And it’s much easier to make money if you make contrarian bets with ’surprising’ results.  There’s no better company to do this to than the largest held and most secretive company that everyone expects should do well in the market. Yet, it mysteriously, despite making ungodly amounts of money, can’t get its P/E multiple even back to its old long-held traditional levels, all while companies like Amazon enjoy insane multiples.  Even while Bezos tells the shareholders he hopes he never makes any money to give to give back to them, and that they can all go fuck themselves if they don’t like it, Amazon’s P/E just keeps going higher. I think if Bezos promised to split all profits between the North Korean communist party and burning the rest in a bon fire (maybe that’s what their new phone is for), that, in reaction, wall street would shit itself with glee and double the stock price.

Again, why wouldn’t the scum on wall street do this when they know the DoJ, FTC, and SEC are all useless and won’t ever look into wall street fund/press collaboration, fomenting, and stock manipulation.  Why, because those completely useless government agencies are busy suing Apple for ebook industry violations. Seriously!? Fucking ebooks!? The DoJ cocksuckers watch Conan the Fundbarians foment and skim trillions of dollars in price manipulated equity away from investors, and instead of dealing with that, they decide to focus on a market that accounted for like $5 in sales for Apple. This!? This is what these government asswipes spend tax money on when they’re not busy shoving it up their asses and shitting it down the toilet? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Rather than paying the ridiculous proposed $800M settlement, I have half a mind to quit the useless ebook business, refund all $5 of ebook purchases, and tell everyone to go fuck themselves.

And the government’s outcome is to give Amazon, a clear de facto ebook monopolist, more market power. Genius.  Fucking genius. Dumb motherfuckers.

At this rate, we should thank the nice people on wall street that they don’t start just hiring American citizens as toilet paper and wiping their ass with us collectively.  The only interest the government will have is to make sure that the toilet paper pays its taxes.

Anyway, all this shit is enough to make Ayn Rand fans masturbate themselves into a coma. But I digress too much (for more info, check out Cramer’s shockingly candid description of the market ass-rape that the DoJ seems to have no problems with, here):

Wallstreet confessions of manipulation


Money shots

So that’s why the press props up the rotten corpse of Android, but what about the public?  Well, the public buys Android phones because they are buy-one-get-one-free cheap shit.  No big shame in that, other than the cost savings comes from ripping off others’ innovation.  Anyway, most of the public honestly could care less.  Kudos.  But to the true Android fans, well, they got all kinds of insecurities and complexes that they need to work out. They can’t just settle for “I don’t give a shit… I’ll buy the cheapest thing that gets me through the day…Fuck you, Wallmart rocks and so does this Android phone!” No, they need some vice-turned-virtue rationale and justification.

I mean no one wants to feel bad about themselves, so these Android fans will prop up any fucking justification.  And any crumb/argument that has even a modicum of legitimacy to it, well, that will get the entire Fandroid army into a fervent circle jerk swallowing each others’ moral loads as an opiate to soothe their fucking bitter souls.  “Bigger screens, we had’m first! We’re geniuses!” Really?

Newton Message Pad and iPhone 6 Plus(Credit TUAW)

I think everyone at these knockoff companies, and their fans, watch Apple keynotes with hatred, praying that nothing too earth shattering happens. I think the employees at the knockoffs secretly wonder why they weren’t good enough to work at Apple, wishing they could be a part of the Willie Wonka factory. And the Android fans/Apple haters hope that everyone at Apple collectively dies—all so they can justify their purchase in a product/platform that is as bankrupt ideologically as Milli Vanilli’s act.

Now does that mean that these second rate companies didn’t tack on some pretty cool innovations.  Sure doesn’t; there have been some very keen things that Google has come up with since.  Notification manager. Google Now. All kinds of cool gaudy and annoying-as-shit user interface widgets. Mostly shit that the vast majority of the the public could care less about, and only geeks with too much time on their hands obsess about. Yes, yes, they have, I admit it. We’ll eventually get around to ripping these off and implementing them in a non-Android/shitastic way.

But is it even remotely comparable to the innovations in ‘recipe’ that Apple got right?  No, in each case, Apple almost forcibly brought the world into a more modern place (for better and for worse) and disrupted and/or created all new industries.  Google made an annoying beep/flashy-pop up notification handler in Android to ‘put their dent in the universe.’

To put any of these wannabe-innovator companies (Google, Samsung, Microsoft, etc.) on the same level of innovation as Apple takes a mind so full of spite and morbid stupidity, so bizzaro-world upside down….that you have to live in a world where you root for a leach on innovation and your privacy, and for a foreign company that manipulates the press  and whose deviance has few limits in its own country, over an American icon of innovation started out of a garage by two hippies.

And you were bought and sold into that world for a free email account and saving a couple of hundred bucks when buying your phone.  Congratulations sell outs.