Shocking professional press investigation reveals that aluminum will bend

So here is a shock to anyone that has never crinkled a can of Coke. Apparently, aluminum will bend when you fucking apply a shit ton of pressure. The press’ next investigation will focus on humans’ shocking addiction to inhaling a nitrogen/oxygen chemical mixture called air.

And really? Really Lou and Squarespace? You’re doing this for the ‘community’ and ‘science,’ and not to whore yourself and your fucking hosting service (which actually is pretty good, but stop being such fucking whores)?   Anyway, Lou, when your hands are shaking, why not show your pants expanding from shitting yourself from the strain?

Are we to believe that your cock bore a hole through your pocket, and is dexterous enough to apply an amazing amount of dick pressure somehow cantilevered across your femur with your extremely mobile balls?  If that’s the case, (1) you’re one talented motherfucker Lou, and (2) I don’t think you represent a significant demographic unless there is some dick-and-mobile-testes-arm-wrestling world championship I missed on ESPN.

Is there any fucking reasonable scenario where that much hand shaking pressure is being applied in someones front pocket? And if you put that giant phone in your back pocket and sat on it, you’re a dumb fuck.

Can the press be anymore useless a collection of motherfuckers. I swear to god, they and people on social networks are so fucking empty in their existence, that anything that happens to Apple becomes their autistic obsession.

Fucking wars going on.  No need to report on that. All our politicians are inept fucking whores.  No need to bother with that. But holy jesus fucking christ, what a revelation, aluminum will bend when you apply a shit ton of fucking pressure—on and Apple phone—press corp jubilee!

Any positive news about Apple, lets fucking bury that. Like bitches, we just sold over 10 million fucking phones. And that doesn’t even include sales to China!  Shareholders and wall street should be lining up to collectively blow the Apple executive team.

Fuck that, not when we can be fascinated with the revelation that aluminum fucking bends. No point in actually taking a reasonable look at this when everyone can go full hitwhore and foment.

I mean it would have been so difficult for Lou to note that his ass turned inside/out from the shaking hand strain of bending the phone. No need to note that the phone kept working despite his tearing his sphincter wide open with strain! No reason for him to note that it seems like you have to put an awful lot of pressure on the phone to bend it. Nah, fuck that. That wouldn’t be the full on hitwhoring.

Or the rest of the press, they could apply some reasonableness in looking into this bullshit. Fuck no. They seem to have an exemption to fucking yelling “fire” in a movie theater as, apparently, that’s their fucking business model.

Yes, shocking newsflash: lots of phones will bend if you put too much pressure on them.

Ok, so lets put this to rest.  Remember our sage advice during antenna-gate: “stop fucking holding it wrong.”  Let me add some advice here: “stop stuffing the phone in tight pressure filled places.”

So if you’re sausage packed into skinny jeans, maybe, just maybe, shoving a gigantic aluminum phone that wants to wrap around your femur isn’t a good idea. You fucking morons.