Anyone saying Apple copied Samsung/Google with a big screen phone is a fucking idiot

Samsung/Android users saying Apple ‘copied’ big screens with the iPhone 6 (and that it’s somehow proof that Android is more innovative), is like Milli Vanilli claiming that they’re more innovative than Lenny Kravitz because he copied their dreads.

How android apologists see the world


It’s all about Apple’s recipes.

The truth of development is plainly clear for anyone that lives in reality, unlike the Holocaust and moon-landing denying, birthers known as Android fans.  The iPhone was first. I love saying that over and over to Android fans so they froth and their brains explode. They like to counter with lunacy, saying all that stuff in the iPhone existed before the iPhone.  It’s a bit like telling the Wright brothers “wheels, engines, propellers, planks of wood, cables, all existed before the air plane…big deal, you just recombined existing stuff in the shape of a plane, and you just stole the arrangement from birds anyway.”

First, I’ll tell you what didn’t exist before the iPhone, the knockoff visual blight and tour-de-force of bad design known as an Android Phone.  Second, so what that lots of “stuff” existed before the iPhone.  Nothing like the iPhone, that was usable by normal people, existed.  The smartphones back then were the Blackberry (something only a soulless business person and IT wonk clutching for his job through obscure, arcane and outdated tech could love), Windows Mobile phones (approaching the same levels of success as Microsoft tablets, and equally loved), and Palm (who managed to ripoff enough of Apple’s throw away Newton technology to eek out an existence, but just couldn’t ever quite innovate their way out of a paper bag without their muse (i.e., Apple) showing them what end of their ass is up). Basically, before the iPhone, we had the Three Amigos of smartphones.

Smartphone 3 Amigos

The difference between the 3 amigos and the iPhone is so vast, we might as well call everything before 2007, B-team (before the iPhone) and everything after, A-team (after iPhone).

Anyway, it is true that many core technologies in the iPhone existed before the iPhone (e.g., touch screens, multitouch gestures, etc.). Apple innovated the iPhone by combining many many technologies in new ways that made them commercially palatable and successful.  Here’s a newslfash.  Edison didn’t make the first lightbulb. Nobody remembers or gives a shit who made the first miserable and non usable lightbulb. Edison made the first commercially successful lightbulbs (with a particular mix of tungsten that would make them effectively last indefinitely).  So while he wasn’t first, he was first to get the ‘recipe’ right and disrupted a bunch of industries and created a few new ones in.

Apple was the same with the Apple I/II (not the first personal computer), the Mac (not the first computer with a mouse or graphical user interface), the iPod (not the first MP3 player), the iTunes store (not the first online digital music store), the iPhone (not the first smartphone), the App store (not the first online store for applications), the iPad (not the first tablet), etc.  What Apple did was make the first commercially successful versions of those earth-changing technologies. Apple did this by making versions of those technologies that didn’t profoundly suck as their supposed forebearers.

Once Apple showed its recipe for commercial success, in each case, would-be ‘innovators’ who never could come up with the commercially successful recipe themselves—no doubt because they were busy listening to their idiot techno-leet zealot users that are certain they know better than everyone else in the world and resulted in awesome designs like the IPAQ—these wannabes then stood on Apple’s work and lifted it for themselves; thanks very much.

Hey, a special shout out to all my patent infringing bitches. Samsung waaszzzzzzzzzupppppp. Who could blame Samsung. Patent infringement only cost them a billion, and they earned profits well north of that. Why wouldn’t an economically rational company continuously steal others’ work with idiot judges and patent courts. Fuck you Judge Koh you stupid bitch.  Just how many fucking Apple patents does Samsung have to infringe before you pull your head out of your ass and slap them with an injunction. Ahh our wonderful court system at work.


Quid Pro Quo

But why would otherwise bright people become apologists for these low-level marginal industry functionaries?  Well, it’s a bit of quid pro quo.  See, everyone inside of these companies can’t really innovate because of whatever institutional dysfunction limits them, and so, they secretly pine and daydream and wish for a reality where they mattered.  So, they, much like children pretending to be their superheros, go get a sheet, dawn it as a cape, and make themselves a knockoff of the real thing.  They sell this knockoff for less. And they, somehow, straight-face, present it as some ‘revolution/innovation.’ In return for this knockoff piece of shit, the press, that gets paid to support the knockoffs with ads, shamelessly plays along.

Besides, what function would the tech press have if there were only one phone. They’d just be useless.  By propping up Android as something other than a dead Weekend-at-Bernie competitor, they’re no longer useless. Instead, they now have a function—hitwhoring.

Government Not Doing Its Job

Or for some very special ‘news outlets,’  they get to be wall street manipulated hitwhores that put out press to drive Apple stock down and click rates up.  Why?  Because if you run a fund you need to outperform the market, but that’s hard work.  And it’s much easier to make money if you make contrarian bets with ’surprising’ results.  There’s no better company to do this to than the largest held and most secretive company that everyone expects should do well in the market. Yet, it mysteriously, despite making ungodly amounts of money, can’t get its P/E multiple even back to its old long-held traditional levels, all while companies like Amazon enjoy insane multiples.  Even while Bezos tells the shareholders he hopes he never makes any money to give to give back to them, and that they can all go fuck themselves if they don’t like it, Amazon’s P/E just keeps going higher. I think if Bezos promised to split all profits between the North Korean communist party and burning the rest in a bon fire (maybe that’s what their new phone is for), that, in reaction, wall street would shit itself with glee and double the stock price.

Again, why wouldn’t the scum on wall street do this when they know the DoJ, FTC, and SEC are all useless and won’t ever look into wall street fund/press collaboration, fomenting, and stock manipulation.  Why, because those completely useless government agencies are busy suing Apple for ebook industry violations. Seriously!? Fucking ebooks!? The DoJ cocksuckers watch Conan the Fundbarians foment and skim trillions of dollars in price manipulated equity away from investors, and instead of dealing with that, they decide to focus on a market that accounted for like $5 in sales for Apple. This!? This is what these government asswipes spend tax money on when they’re not busy shoving it up their asses and shitting it down the toilet? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Rather than paying the ridiculous proposed $800M settlement, I have half a mind to quit the useless ebook business, refund all $5 of ebook purchases, and tell everyone to go fuck themselves.

And the government’s outcome is to give Amazon, a clear de facto ebook monopolist, more market power. Genius.  Fucking genius. Dumb motherfuckers.

At this rate, we should thank the nice people on wall street that they don’t start just hiring American citizens as toilet paper and wiping their ass with us collectively.  The only interest the government will have is to make sure that the toilet paper pays its taxes.

Anyway, all this shit is enough to make Ayn Rand fans masturbate themselves into a coma. But I digress too much (for more info, check out Cramer’s shockingly candid description of the market ass-rape that the DoJ seems to have no problems with, here):

Wallstreet confessions of manipulation


Money shots

So that’s why the press props up the rotten corpse of Android, but what about the public?  Well, the public buys Android phones because they are buy-one-get-one-free cheap shit.  No big shame in that, other than the cost savings comes from ripping off others’ innovation.  Anyway, most of the public honestly could care less.  Kudos.  But to the true Android fans, well, they got all kinds of insecurities and complexes that they need to work out. They can’t just settle for “I don’t give a shit… I’ll buy the cheapest thing that gets me through the day…Fuck you, Wallmart rocks and so does this Android phone!” No, they need some vice-turned-virtue rationale and justification.

I mean no one wants to feel bad about themselves, so these Android fans will prop up any fucking justification.  And any crumb/argument that has even a modicum of legitimacy to it, well, that will get the entire Fandroid army into a fervent circle jerk swallowing each others’ moral loads as an opiate to soothe their fucking bitter souls.  “Bigger screens, we had’m first! We’re geniuses!” Really?

Newton Message Pad and iPhone 6 Plus(Credit TUAW)

I think everyone at these knockoff companies, and their fans, watch Apple keynotes with hatred, praying that nothing too earth shattering happens. I think the employees at the knockoffs secretly wonder why they weren’t good enough to work at Apple, wishing they could be a part of the Willie Wonka factory. And the Android fans/Apple haters hope that everyone at Apple collectively dies—all so they can justify their purchase in a product/platform that is as bankrupt ideologically as Milli Vanilli’s act.

Now does that mean that these second rate companies didn’t tack on some pretty cool innovations.  Sure doesn’t; there have been some very keen things that Google has come up with since.  Notification manager. Google Now. All kinds of cool gaudy and annoying-as-shit user interface widgets. Mostly shit that the vast majority of the the public could care less about, and only geeks with too much time on their hands obsess about. Yes, yes, they have, I admit it. We’ll eventually get around to ripping these off and implementing them in a non-Android/shitastic way.

But is it even remotely comparable to the innovations in ‘recipe’ that Apple got right?  No, in each case, Apple almost forcibly brought the world into a more modern place (for better and for worse) and disrupted and/or created all new industries.  Google made an annoying beep/flashy-pop up notification handler in Android to ‘put their dent in the universe.’

To put any of these wannabe-innovator companies (Google, Samsung, Microsoft, etc.) on the same level of innovation as Apple takes a mind so full of spite and morbid stupidity, so bizzaro-world upside down….that you have to live in a world where you root for a leach on innovation and your privacy, and for a foreign company that manipulates the press  and whose deviance has few limits in its own country, over an American icon of innovation started out of a garage by two hippies.

And you were bought and sold into that world for a free email account and saving a couple of hundred bucks when buying your phone.  Congratulations sell outs.